The ‘Perfect’ Donor

Back in November, I wrote about our journey towards starting a family and our progress so far. We’ve had lots of downtime and family time over the summer to reflect and discuss and research and start to get really excited about the changes this year will hold!

This time last year, we were in a similar space – I was just starting acupuncture treatments to make sure I was in the best health I could be, we were feeling confident about our arrangement with our first known donor and we’d started eating salsa (a very useful piece of advice from Offbeat Mama!). I was so convinced that 2012 was going to be the ‘year of the babies’!

When it turned out that it wasn’t going to be, I had quite a bleak few months. One of the things that I found hardest to get my head around was the fact that we’d have to start from scratch with a new donor – building a relationship, making sure we were all on the same page with expectations and getting over the initial awkwardness of talking about intimate bodily functions… It’s not something that can be rushed or taken lightly!

I needn’t have worried – we have a great relationship with our new donors. That wasn’t a typo: one of B.’s old colleagues offered us her husband’s genetic material, and from the very first meeting we had with them, there’s been no confusion that they came as a package deal! In many ways, I think it’s much easier to be dealing with everything as two couples: having a woman on the other side of the arrangements takes away any confusion when discussing menstrual cycles, and with the four of us all fully involved in discussions and plans, there’s less pressure on me and on him as the ones biologically responsible for making it work.

We are extremely lucky to have found such fantastic donors, and each interaction we have with them makes me more and more conscious of this. They are easy to talk to, completely on the same page as us in terms of expectations, willing to go out of their way to fit around my cycle and overwhelmingly generous in their wish to do this for us after they couldn’t have kids themselves. We’re way beyond awkwardness about bodily functions, including tears, at this point!

The very best thing about them is being able to imagine quite clearly the kind of ongoing relationship they will have with our family. Their parents and siblings are already positive and supportive, and I am excited that our child will have such a large family. His family is in Northern Europe, so our child will also have another heritage and culture to explore. It’s an exciting prospect.

I’ve tried and continue to try to thank our donors properly for the amazing gift they are giving us, and the hope they have already given, and I always end up sounding like the world’s biggest sap. I’ll just have to keep working on it over the coming months and years…



6 thoughts on “The ‘Perfect’ Donor

  1. queerconceptional says:

    You do sound like you have found the perfect donor! I am glad his partner is so involved, that would make some things much easier. I hope you will all be welcoming a baby soon.

  2. pepibebe says:

    Have you decided to draw up a donor contract at all, outlining expectations, contact, obligations or lack thereof, what would happen should you and your partner separate or both die? My ex and I investigated using my former boss as a donor, so us and he and his wife drew up an agreement we all were happy with, then had a lawyer go over it as well. Although we have great laws here in NZ that would protect our parental rights, you just never know. We decided getting it in writing that we were all on the same page was important.
    However this time around, using my wife’s brother as our donor, we’ve not done anything at all like that!

  3. purplemagnolia says:

    Of course, pepibebeblogger! We used a really helpful resource from Fertility Associates that had a whole ream of questions to discuss and ask ourselves – it was great.
    More importantly, though, we really feel that we can trust them, which is more valuable than words on paper!


  4. Aimee says:

    Guys, this is amazing. I am so, so incredibly happy to see things working out for you. When the time comes, you’re going to be the most amazing mamas. Other friends of ours are currently in the process of adopting, so this is going to be such an exciting year on all fronts! Best wishes and a ridiculous amount of love coming your way ladies xo

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